Apnaapan

Aaj mere kisii apne ne,
koi apna khoya
Maine socha ki uska koi
bhalaa, mera kya lagaa?
...par jab usse milaa
to ek vichitr aabhaas hua
Mere liye to sab kuchh pehle sa tha
Phir bhi kuchh kho dene
ka sa ehsaas hua

Uski aankhon mein thodi namii thii
Aaj usko koi kamii thii
Mein do ghadi saath baitha,
thoda saath to nibhaayaa,
thoda sa dukh chakh liya
aur thoda saath baandh laaayaa

Jo nahiin raha, woh mera koi nahiin tha
Mein to usse mila bhi nahiin tha
Mujhe usse baandhne waali,
bas ek hi kachchi dor thii
...ki woh mere kisii apne ka apna koi tha

Kisii aur ki bhaavanaaon ke aaveg mein,
jab hum swayam hi behte hain
Uska dukh apna lagna,
ise apnaapan kehte hain

...lagta hai ki aaj maine koi apna khoya!

-- Manas Saran (29th Dec, 2005)

I said it...

Life makes us learn so much! ...but for what???
Ultimately, we all die before applying even 10% of the knowledge!!!

Means and extremes

Yesterday I was listening to ghazals and other shayari by Mirza Ghalib and one particular line caught my attention... or I could say made my day (good poems can make my day). Anyway, he says "dard kaa had se guzarnaa hai dava ho jaanaa". I found it so contradictory, yet so true and then I was thinking about the extremes in life in general.
Living life at extremes is a wierd experience. You see things changing in an absolutely unpredictable way. I am someone who's always on the edge... experiencing the extremes of everything in life. My experiments with life, out of which most happen to be circumstantial and some intentional, have made me realize that life at extremes is so full of paradoxes. These are phenomena that most people with average lifestyles (or life at means) never experience. Whether these are good or bad is a matter or perception because it is one extreme case that turns coal into diamond and another that reduces a shining star to a black hole.
There have been times when I've shouted "woah... this is the rush I always wanted!!!" and times when I said "why can't my life be just normal!!??" and I've made both statements with equal emotional intensity. This is just the beginning and we can already see the paradoxes emerging.
Extremes of sensitivity actually makes you immune to emotional damage, thus rendering you insensitive. This isn't much different from the process of biological immunization against diseases. We are born with a wish to live... as life goes on and gets tougher, the wish to live becomes the will to survive. With our natural tendency to defend ourselves from any kind of damage be it physical or emotional, we do react subconciously.
Another major paradox is with anger and frustration. You get frustrated the first time, angry the next time... and if that situation keeps happening then in due course of time you first smile at it and then laugh it off saying something like "what!!! I actually got frustrated about this stupid issue!!!?? Oh cummon, how could I!!??". Extreme anger can actually make you laugh!!
Even the extremes of love lead to obsession, anger and hatred.
An unfulfilled deep desire left as it is ultimately fulfills itself... there's this line from a song - "itnaa tarse ki pyaas hii naa rahii"
This is the metamorphosis of the human mind or we could say a drastic reversal of the state of mind. On a more personal note, I find this pretty interesting. I have chosen a life full of extremes because I like a life where no rule applies, a life where no law holds good ...where you can never predict what the outcome of a particular situation would be.

I said it...

The destiny of my words is to be lost in space and time.
I know they won't come back to me.
...but I'm still counting on a phenomenon called "echo"!!!

I got my first real six-string

...Finally!!! Mom's gift for my 24th birthday and there could have been nothing better. I got a guitar - GB&A, deep blue color and I love it!!! This thing simply rocks... and in due course of time, it will make me rock!!
All my dearest posessions have names and I've named it "Hammer". To begin with, I bought a book along with it. I am currenly practicing the lessons from the book but will very soon join regular classes.
Past few days have been awfully busy... I've been wanting to make this post since last saturday but work and other things have kept me so occupied that I haven't been able to steal even a few minutes for this post. Actually, even if I get a few minutes free at home, I spend them with "Hammer" >:D. That's why I'm making this post from office.

It's that day, again!

5th December, today... it's that day again, the black day!!. The day that takes me 8 years back in time. I'm usually so busy with life that those memories don't come to me but on this day, it's like a someone just turned on a movie reel. I can see and feel every single moment of what happened on that day and the days that followed right to this day. It's like a flash... rewind and fast-forward.
It was this day that made me what I am. The day when I figured out that death was more real than life itself and conquered all my fears, the day when "we, the family" lost someone so dear to us that we feel incomplete till now, the day when "I, the school going boy" suddenly found out that life is not about fooling around with friends.... the day I grew up many years in the blink of an eye. It is this day that I summonned all my inner strength and not a single drop of tear rolled down my cheek. People who claim to know me talk about my focus, determination, passion and agression ....this day is most certainly the source of them all.
Anyway, this day will come and go as it has been till now. I never ask the question "why me??" and I've also stricken off the word "Consolation", from my dictionary and for the same reason I've disabled comments on this post. I accept things the way they are, however bad they may be, and believe in taking the bull by its horns. This day just reminds me of the fact that a single moment is enough for someone to become someone else.
He still lives in me through the things I learnt from him. I inherit my strongest virtues from him. Also his songs are with me always and whenever i'm singing one of those, I can feel his presence... I sing them with pride and someday I will pass them on to someone else.
Inspite of everything said and done, I miss you dad!!

A word with god

I closed my eyes and the past 8 years just flashed in front of me. I guess, he never thought i would be silent for so long. To be honest, he did make an attempt to get us back on talking terms ...but then, as always, it was he who screwed up and angered me more. Anyway, he's trying it again... another one of his cheap tricks. So, finally i decided to break my silence and talk.
"What the hell do you think you're doing??", I asked out loud.
"Well, I'm just trying to make things better for you", came the reply.
"Better... yeah why not!! you always made things better!! you're just so good at doing that. Perhaps our definitions of the word 'better' differ in totality. The last time you made things better for me, I ended up with a heart so broken that it hurts till date ...and the time before that ...I think it's 'better' if i don't mention it." I was waiting to hear some kind of justification.
"Don't you find yourself a better man today?? Don't you feel that you've earned the position where you are?", he started.

"...and would i have been worse had everything been normal and fine", I cut him off

"I dunno but what could have given you the drive to achieve whatever you achieved", he tried to justify.

"Wow... that's great!!. You screw up someone's life under the cover of giving him the drive to acheive ...and then you have the heart to justify your cruel actions in this manner", I stood amazed. How could someone defend himself like that!??

"Fine, I agree i did bad things to you. But isn't it unfair on your part to not look at the good things. Afterall, you are the one who always talks about the 'law of averages'. Take your time and you'll see that your share of good and bad things will balance itself out", he spoke after a moment of absolute silence.

"Even if I forgive you for the times long lost, I can never forgive you for her. Why the hell did you do that to me? At a time when i had lost myself, she brought me back to life... and then when I was truly and deeply in love with her, you changed everything. Why did you show me the dream that was not meant to be. You have no idea how much that hurt", I said suppressing the anguish.

"Well, let's say you saw the wrong dream. She was there because you were losing focus. Her purpose was to bring you on the right track and she accomplished her mission. You were not supposed to be with her. However, I like it that you loved her inspite of the way she went out of your life", he anwered calmly, with a smile on his face.

Though I didn't want to accept it, I did get his point. Such a smart-ass... the best negotiator of all times. "Alright, I choose to move ahead. You know it well that i don't dig the dead. So, it's over and it's okay now. But i'm seriously worried about this new prank you're playing on me"

"It's not a prank for 'my' sake!!! She's very real and you know that", he replied.

"Yeah i know how real things are in my life. I've gotten used to your sense of realism. But I have to admit that i'm doing the same thing again. I am falling for her... rather, I have fallen for her. I hate to say this but please!! promise me you won't screw this up", I said this with a little element of expectation. I had't expected anything from him since 8 years. So, this was an uncomfortable feeling.

"You know I don't make promises. I never commit to anything", came the rather spontaneous reply.

"Yeah, I've heard that before", is all I could say.

"But then you have to have faith ...", he started.

I immediately cut him off on this one, "Don't you give me any bullshit on faith!!!"

"... alright, not in me but at least in yourself. You know it well that it is your faith in yourself and your determination that has helped you achieve whatever you have", he defended himself.

"umm, that could be said. I really feel like telling you what i've learnt. It's not about you, and it's not about the devil either. It's just me... yeah, only me. Be it your grace or the devil's force, it's me who does everything. You guys just set the stage ...I guess i've learnt to live with that fact now", I was beginning to calm down.

"You seem to have stolen our trade secret!!", he laughed.

"Hehe, it's okay... don't worry! I won't try to be god, nor the devil. But on a more serious note, I know what i'm gonna do. I will walk the path I want to. I take responsibility of my own destiny. I know I love her and I will do everything it takes to reach the heights where we could rise above everything else and be together. Now it doesn't matter even if you screw this up, again", I was composed and was talking to him like a friend.

"Hmm, I like that attitude of yours. Anyway, I have to go now... need to attend to my business", he started to walk away. "Perhaps, we should be talking more ...and more often", he said while waving me goodbye.

"Well, that depends on your conduct this time", I smiled and winked.

I opened my eyes and had a strange feeling. The kind of feeling you get on talking to someone you've known for so long but haven't spoken to since ages.

Hellraiser raises hell!

"Hellraiser", yeah ...that's the name I've given to my precious home theatre. Everyday in the morning, I play music on it for about an hour ...that is, while I get ready for office. Today I was playing songs at the "usual" volume when the neighbours sent their servant to ask me to lower the volume... and as soon as i came out of the house, there's this aunty - "can you 'please' play songs at a lower volume. We are getting disturbed". With a smile on my face I said, "Alright ma'am, I'll lower the volume right away". Finally, my "Hellraiser" lived up to its expectations. Now don't mistake me for a sadist. It was just once that i wanted to do this and also it was only the "usual" volume, as mentioned above.

Of sins, I speak

"The 7 deadly sins, each with its distinct characteristics but all leading to the fall of man, sending him straight to hell!!!"

I started my research on the sins, since the day i was told they were evil and should be kept in check. As a matter of habbit, I wanted reasons. Why are the sins evil and deadly??
is it because they send you to hell???
well, if that is the case, I don't give a damn to what happens to me after i'm dead.
is it because they lead to a fall???
umm, i think sometimes a fall is worth the pleaures that precede it.

What makes us human is our intelligence and instincts - the two things which other animals lack. So, If we lose them, we're no better than a pet dog. But the very concept of sins falls in the path of satisfying our instincs and I have always found this contradiction very annoying.
"look, but don't touch. touch, but don't taste. taste, but don't swallow" [Devil's Advocate] - aren't the rules in opposition to our instincts!!??

Pride is said to be the strongest and deadlist sin. But ain't it pride that gives you confidence to face the world? You know why pride is deadliest? It is simply because it is in direct opposition to the supremacy of god. This is what one of the sites has to say about pride - "Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity"
What is wrong if someone believes in his/her abilities? I would never undermine the strength of human caliber and the power of the human mind. I think people should be proud of who they are. Pride, definitely, is my strongest sin ...and i'm proud of it.
For those proud people, who care about what happens to them after they die, here is what happens.
Reward in hell - You'll be broken on the wheel. (Whatever that means >:-])

Envy is the second sin on the list. It is defined as "desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation". Well, this is the sin, least known to me. I have practically no element of envy in me so, never bothered to really understand it. But one thing i realised is that the cure for envy is pride. It's strange that the two deadliest sins are in direct opposition. I don't envy anyone because i'm so proud of myself that i never have to envy what others have. But then, a little envy is also required. It helps you set short term goals. What's wrong if you desire to be smart or handsome or rich like someone else? It should, in fact, give you a reason to work hard and give your best to achieve what you aim for.
Reward you get in hell - "You'll be put in freezing water" (Hypothermia won't kill you as you're already dead)

Anger/Wrath comes next in the list and here's what is said about it "Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury". This is one interesting sin because it could destroy you but if given a direction, could rocket you right to the top. It is, perhaps, the one sin that needs serious and concious control. I know this because after pride, this would be my next strong sin. Wrath is like a fire that burns inside you. Used with care, it can fuel your engines and allowed to grow, it can burn you out. You should play with fire only if you have the confidence that you can control it. The best part about wrath is that it can give you the focus and super-human strength to achieve your goals. It is an inseparable component of passion.
Reward in hell - "You'll be dismembered alive" (Victory matters, not the pieces of my body)

Sloth is kinda self-explanatory. Anyway the definition goes like this - "Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work". Spiritual work, well don't know and don't care but as far as physical work is concerned, I find this more of a health related issue, rather than a deadly sin that sends you to hell. It's your body and you have the right to do with it, whatever you want. Anyway, the heavens differ and "care" about you. So, people! stay fit, else you have a reward waiting for you in hell.
Reward in hell - "You'll be thrown into snake pits" (I'd love to be with snakes)

Greed is the next big sin. "Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual". Fact is that greed and envy, are perhaps, the only sins i hate because they have no sense of honour. Material wealth and gains are required to enjoy this short life. Hence, desire is something very natural and is fine till there is care and concern for others. The moment you lose that concern, it becomes greed. For me, greed is the biggest sin because it does no good to you at all while it destroys you and your reputation. If someone disagrees, i'd love to hear the good side of it... this side i might have missed.
Reward in hell - "You'll be boiled alive in oil" (Can you smell what Satan's cookin')

Gluttony or "an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires" is termed as the next sin. But I find this pretty controvertial. How would you define the boundry of "what a person requires". Frankly, what beyond air, water, food and shelter??? if that's the case, we are all sinners for the technological progress we made. As per the definition, the stone age seems to be the only place where we were consuming only what we required. We live in a social system and there can be no finite boundry to one's requirements. Now, there is practically no gap between necessities and luxuries. I would simply strike this off the list but hell is ready to welcome us all.
Reward in hell - "you'll be force-fed rats, toads, and snakes" (vegetarians?? ...and btw, what sin did the rats, toads and snakes commit???)

Lust - the forbidden fruit ...the taboo!!! Here is the definition "Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body". I see absolutely nothing wrong with lust. I have already talked about it in a couple of older posts. Lust is the desire to satisfy one's senses and denying your insticts is denying the very thing that makes you human [The Matix]. Lust would definitely be my next strongest sin after wrath. Lust and wrath together make passion, one of the strongest feelings known to man ...the fuel to some of our greatest successes.
Reward in hell - "You'll be smothered in fire and brimstone" (passion burns hotter than that, so it's okay)

...well, that's my take on the 7 "deadly" sins. At the end of it I feel I am a proud, angry, lusty, glutton and sloth sinner. What turns my sins into my strengths are the virtues of honour, honesty, love, strength and courage. While i have a strong element of pride, the element of honour in me is equally high and that makes pride harmless, yet effective. With my anger and lust, i have love and honesty which makes me walk the right path, with my passions still being my guiding force. Finally, if all shall fail and i shall fall, I have the strength and the courage to get up and walk my path ...again.
I live with my sins and love them for they are an integral part of my identity.


references from http://deadlysins.com/

Bible of the Devil

Few would have thought what is the "bible of the devil". Well, lemme tell you that i now have a copy of this book of temptations. The other day i was at the Sony showroom and brought the sony product catalogue. It is the book of ultimate temptations. You could just go on looking at the cool stuff in there and keep imagining yourself with all of it. It was like i want this, I definitely want this and i just can't live without this. It is the ultimate book of ultimate temptaions. Indeed, the bible of the devil... and i posess a copy!!! >:)

My Preciousssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diwali time, yet again. Nothing special for me as such. I'm not too fond of diwali as such. I'm not at all into any kind of worship and not into fireworks either. So, it's typically just another day, the good part being the shopping and the good food.
Couple of days before Diwali, is the festival of Dhan-Teras. As per tradition we buy silver on this day. Now people typically buy ornaments or utensils of silver, but me being me, decided to do something different. So, what did i do??... well i bought silver too. But in the form of fine lining and wiring. What good is that.... umm, lemme elaborate.
I bought silver lining and wiring which is fixed on a circuit-board. This circuit board is mounted in a metallic frame with other circuitary, and some motors and optical instruments. All of this is inside a silver colored cabinet which is connected to 4 speakers (2 front + 2 surround 120 w RMS x 4), a centre speaker (another 120 w RMS power) and a sub-woofer (rocking 200 w RMS) ....and that totals to 800 watts of unaltered, pure digital sound. All of it put together, I bought a SONY DVD Home Theatre System .... yessssss, yesssssssssss, yesssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!! my precioussssss! my precioussssssssssss!!
woah ....finally!!!, I had been dreaming about this day since times i can't remember. Now i own .....in fact, posess a wega theatre that includes a 29" Sony Wega and a Sony DVD Home Theatre System. This beast plays everything from Audio CD to DVD, mp3 to jpeg to DivX. That means, my collection of DivX movies can now be watched with full effects. As expected, I spent the entire diwali weekend watching movies.
Looking at it from another viewpoint, i see 30K going down the drain for something that's more of a luxury while there would be other things on higher priority. But then, i didn't buy a luxury, I bought my passion...I hunted down a big dream. Compared to my satisfaction, the money i spent was peanuts. I have paid through the nose for this thing, but my policy stands intact - "no risk, no gain... and no pain, no gain".
Crazy, is what they call me because while they wait, trapped in the present, hoping that the future will turn their dreams into reality, I shoot and hunt down my dreams right away!!!

Remix!!

These days I'm high on this new remix number "Dafli waale, dafli baja". One of the very famous oldies from one of those Rishi Kapoor movies. Sometimes I really find it difficult to respond to the remix culture. Almost everyone I meet has found the entire remix business an evil empire. The general opinion remains that they have no originality and are literally screwing up some of the best stuff Indian Music Industry ever churned out. Well, my opinion kinda differs. I am totally with the remix revolution and I think the question of originality should not even be asked when the album has "REMIX" written on it in caps and bolds. Coming to the "screwing up" part of it, I think some of the remixes we've had in recent times have been simply amazing. You won't ever realize that if you listen to them on the TV for the obvious reason that the videos are so umm, distracting (took a while to find the correct adjective) that you don't concentrate on the audio of it. The real creativity out there in not in making few scantily clad women dance. It is in fact in the audio part of it. You have to admit that people like DJ Aqeel, Suketu and Harry haven't become celebs just like that. All these people did was to play some songs at most ordinary places in Mumbai and today they attract crowds and play at some of the finest and most elite places in India. Their story is not very different from that of say, Abhijit Sawant who, from a most ordinary boy, became a youth icon. They have worked hard for the success that they enjoy today. So, if they adhere to the copyrights act, noone has any right whatsoever to point fingers at them. And just like movies and songs, some remixes are good, some are not so good and some are pathetic too. If we give that freedom (to be bad) to movies and songs, remixes deserve it too.
Anyway, for those who are actually wondering which songs made me write this post, check out the following. There are some songs here, that I might have never even heard, forget liking them-
1. Roop Tera Mastana - Style Bhai (I guess this is where it all started)
2. Chandni Raatein - Bally Sagoo
3. Tere Bin Nahin Lagda - Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan/Partners In Rhyme
4. Intezaar - Anamika
5. Kaliyon Ka Chaman
6. Dil Kya Kare/Julie - Instant Karma
7. Tu, Tu hai Wahi
8. Chadti Jawaani
9. Pardesiya
10. Badan Pe Sitaare
11. Ja Re Ja
12. Dafli Waale

I'm sure i have missed out many of them, but at least these are the ones that immediately came to mind. I haven't mentioned the remixed version of songs in the movies today and that's gonna be a big list of really nice songs.
Well then, if you don't have the talent to do it, then be professional and don't degrade someone else's hardwork.

The one thing i can't do

All these days, I've seen us together,
...and here we are, closer than ever
You gave me back, my poem ...my words,
that i had lost, in a life among nerds
Now, here I am, in love with you,
with the core of my heart, shining anew
I'd die for you , I'd live for you,
and all I have, I'd give for you
But,
with everything, I'd do for you,
there is one thing, I can not do
...and that one thing, I leave to thee,
for I just can not, make you love me

-- Manas Saran (29th Sept, 2005)

I said it...

There is nothing more exciting than doing the dont's!!

Bavra mann

I always felt like posting the lyrics of this song and always forgot to do so.
But today I just couldn't forget doing this -

Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna...

streets we have never walked on,
windows we have never opened,
hands we have never held,
dreams we shall never, never see again.

Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna,
bavre se mann ki dekho, bavri hain baatein
bavri si dhadkanein hain, bavri hain saansein

lives we have never lived,
hopes we never realized,
fires we have never lit,
laughs we shall never, never make again

Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna...

I hear those strange whispers again.

--
EclipsE

Hazaaron khwahishein aisi...

Today, is a day full of mixed emotions... I'm angry and I'm frustrated ...and I'm smiling, and I'm in deep thought. This is one of those days when I'm back to the basics ...what is it that I want? ...the question that haunts me much less than other "normal" human beings, is popping in my head. The events of the day aren't completely responsible for this... i guess they were just the trigger to an old build-up.
I have ghazals playing in the background and somehow, they are all making a lot of sense...

Hazaaron khwahishein aisi, ki har khwahish pe dum nikale
bahut nikale mere armaan, lekin phir bhi kam nikale!!
-- Ghalib's masterpiece in Jagjit Singh's golden voice

All I want is everything (that's what i've been telling myself), or perhaps not. Today, I'm confused. Anyway, I've given up that thought for the moment. This is one of those rare days when I find myself standing at crossroads trying to figure out which way to go. I know, this is not my style and it is pretty unlike me, but i do have the right to be human at times. So, this is me, thinking about my life, about the things I want and things I want to happen to me or to my friends. I take a walk through the deepest and darkest corners of my mind.
I have taken a break from the fast life today, to mourn.... mourn all the losses I've ever suffered in my life - people I lost and the feelings that I lost.

Dekha to mera saayaa bhi, mujhse juda mila,
socha to har kisi se, mera silsila mila
sheher-e-wafa mein ab kise ehel-e-wafa kahein,
humse gale mila, to wohi bewafa mila
-- Jagjit Singh makes me think once more

One moment I feel detached from everyone and everything, as if nothing matters at all ...and then the very next moment, many people who weren't that important till yesterday, feel so close!!
Optipism is on a low today and yes, I'm feeling a little depressed too. I have my own reasons ...and there's no one reason for it all. Perhaps this would be the most outrageous reason of all - why can't the world around me, be the way i want it to be!!???
Interestingly, it is this reason that is making me smile today. I actually find it comical for a person as practical as me to feel this way.
Well, this is a time when I've put aside all my practicality and I've actually chosen to feel this way. Hence, I am so full of contradictions right now.
In the meanwhile, a change of song causes a change in the line of thought....

zindagi mein to sabhi pyar kiya karte hain,
mein to mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tujhe chaahoonga

apne jazbaat mein, naghmaat (songs) rachaane ke liye,
maine dhadkan ki tarah dil mein basaya hai tujhe
mein tassavvur bhi judai ka bhalaa kaise karoon,
maine kismat ki lakeeron se churaya hai tujhe
pyar ka banke nigehbaan, tujhe chaahoonga
mein to mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tujhe chaahoonga.
zindagi mein to sabhi pyar kiya karte hain
-- Mehdi Hassan melts the hardened heart!!!

"To love or not to love??" has become another significant question, and i'm stuck in between. In my life full of absolutes, this is the most ironic situation. I know I'm on the verge of falling and this time I really can't make the call. The basic reason perhaps is that I find it against my self-respect to make the absolute fall before an indication from the other end and i'm also reminded of the old hurt. I know that I am responsible for my own destiny and if I do anything stupid, there noone else to blame for the consequences but myself. It's a wierd situation but just like everything else, today I'm letting myself loose on this one too... let me fall.
A couple of days back, I fell on the stairs ...and then got up confidently. I felt as if something was being told to me - It is okay to fall. Maybe i'll hit the ground but then i can get up, confidently once more. Afterall, aadmi gir kar hi seekhta hai

Well, the song changes and I realise what's missing

Koi dost hai, na raqeeb hai,
tera sheher kitna ajeeb hai
yahaan kiska chehra padha karoon,
yahaan kaun itna kareeb hai

and then...

Humsafar hota koi to, baant lete dooriyan,
raah chalte log, kya samjhein meri majbooriyan

-- Jagjit Singh hits where it hurts the most

5 years in this city and noone to call mine... that's where it hurts!!! though, I stand tall and unaffected. Perhaps I expect too much ...but do I??? Is truth and trust too much to ask for???
I have always been experiencing the side-effects of being a "bindaas guy". Noone takes you seriously. Even your utmost sincerity is mistaken for another one of those stupid jokes.
Anyway, i think i'll stop writing here... and though as a writer, I always close my writings with an optimistic thought, i won't be doing it this time for in these matters, there's little room for any kind of optimism. Let's accept things the way they are.

Mohabbat mein nahiin hai farq, jeene aur marne ka,
usi ko dekh kar jeete hain, jis kaafir pe dum nikale

--
EclipsE

I said it...

Here are a chosen few of my lines that just came up during various conversations -
1. I don't play by the rules, I play "with" the rules
2. Your company does you no favour. So, it is unprofessional to be grateful to your company.
3. These days, ethics are in fashion
4. Stop comparing Windows and Linux. You can't compare a work of art with a work of science.
5. Mirrors made me believe that insanity could be personified
6. If worship god, so that good things happen, why not worship the devil so that bad things don't happen?
7. Do something ...or destroy something!!!

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EclipsE

aaaaah

I declare today's weather, the most romantic in this entire season!!!
....and that's pretty much it. Unfortunately I have nothing more to say or do about it.

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EclipsE

Tagged!!!

Tagged by Sabita:

Three names I go by:
1) Manas
2) Saran
3) Goju!!!

Three Screen Names:
1) EclipsE
2) DevilHimself
3) The PieceMaker (when i used to play Quake-3)

Three things I like about myself:
1) The clarity of my mind - what i want and when and how i want it
2) My belief in my actions
3) My intensity, passion and focus in doing whatever i choose to do

Three things I don't like about myself:
1) My anger (rare, but pretty bad)
2) My insensitivity
3) My inability to do more than one thing at one time (can't even handle two chat windows at the same time)

Three things that scare me:
1) My anger and nothing else
2)
3)

Three essentials:
1) Interesting people around
2) Good food, music and clothes (bole to, good lifestyle)
3) Speed (in everything perhaps)

Three things I like in the opposite sex:
1) Smartness
2) Agressiveness
3) Love for vampires ;)

Three things that I want to do badly now:
1) bungy jumping
2) sky diving
3) *evil grin*

Three careers I am considering right now:
1) Actor (Theatre)
2) Game Programmer
3) Wildlife photographer

Three places I'd love to go on vacation:
1) Grand Canyon
2) Niagra Falls
3) Outer Space

Three kids' names I like:
1) Kittu
2) Nannu
3) Aryan

Three things to do before dying:
1) Do something significant for the Department of Defence
2) Write the game of the year
3) Conquer the world

Three people who get to take this wonderful quiz:
1) ONE THING TO RULE THEM ALL
2) Three Drinks Ahead
3)

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EclipsE

Love and Lust

For once, this is not something that i have written. I got this as an email forward... in fact, many people in IIIT got this. It is written in the form of a conversation between a guy and a girl and it actually sparked off a debate in the hostel with some people supporting the guy's point of view and some, the girl's.
Overall, I found this one really interesting and intriguing. Here it goes -

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"You know what all this is, don't you?" he asked me, all too seriously one day.
"What?" The words everlasting love, soul mates and unending romance popped into my mind.
"All this is maya.lust," he stated candidly.
"Is it a bad thing that I lust for you?" I asked, my fingers crossed.
"Lust for anyone is bad," he proclaimed.
Lust (noun): An intense or unrestrained sexual craving.
I would have thought he would be flattered, but no such luck. Whatever society can't understand, control or appreciate, is deemed bad, taboo, wrong, to be stopped and kept in check, and this idea is engraved all too deeply in many an Indian mind.
"Put all your morality aside for a second," I told him earnestly. "Then would you sleep with me?"
"I'll be honest. It is a tempting thought, but no."
"Why?" I wouldn't let him off so easily.
"The consequences wouldn't be worth it. I just couldn't do that to Mike."
Mike (my ex-boyfriend): A very nice, friendly, good human being. Unfortunately, we had no chemistry. Mike's best friend and I on the other hand shared a bit too much chemistry and to add to the complexity of the situation, Mike still harbored feelings for me.
"You know what people do to each other?" he continued.
"What?" I listened attentively.
"They use each other to satisfy their senses. But one must control one's senses."
"Why should you control it? Don't you love me?" I asked, looking for my silver lining.
"I do not love you," he replied without hesitation.
"Then what was it you felt for me that night?" I had tears now in my eyes.
That night (mutually understood code word): It stood for the one night of intimacy that did not finally (for better or worse is debatable) end in sex.
References to that incident were made by both of us all too frequently as we grappled to come to terms with what it truly meant to us as individuals and what we meant also to each other.
"It was a mistake. My body just took over my mind." He was at least clear where he stood in this entire mess.
"How can you say that? Do you regret it?" I was grasping, now.
"Sometimes I do."
"But it was so amazing!" I exclaimed, still unbelieving.
"Good for you," he shrugged.
Good for you (phrase): Used frequently by him to undermine any enjoyment that he may have had in our relationship and to highlight his indifference to any suggestion that what we had may be even remotely special.
"So, what am I to you?" I asked him, hoping to hear anything other than the word 'friend'.
"A friend," he replied. He never gave 'right' answers.
"And you want us to just put all that we felt behind us?"
"It is better that way. We can be friends if we don't have this stuff between us."
"But you mean the world to me."
"I don't mean anything. I'm nobody. All this is just an illusion," he said, exasperated. Sometimes I wondered if he thought that I was on the rebound and didn't appreciate the idea.
Rebound (verb): To recover as from depression or disappointment. Just getting out of one relationship and into another often undermines the depth of the new relationship lest it have occurred only because the person was let down by the first one.
"Too bad you feel that way," I said trying to make light of a somewhat heavy situation. "I think you and I would've been great together."
"Don't tell me you still want to. What was it that I did to you anyway?"he seemed pleasantly surprised.
"Ah, the heart wants what it wants.there's no explaining these things.who was it who said that? Woody Allen, I think." I tried to sound cheerful now.
"Take some time...figure out what you want," he said gently.
"I know what I want," I replied, very sure of myself.
"What?" he queried, as if he didn't know.
"I want to have a relationship with you."
"What kind of relationship?" he asked, curious. "Sexual?"
"We can start with that," I said, winking.
"I just don't understand you," he said, waving the suggestion away.
"Do you think people fall in love first then have sex or have sex first and then fall in love?"
"I wish I knew." He was smiling now.
Love (noun - in this context): A feeling of intense desire or attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
We were stuck now in a deadlock, with me being completely sure that I was head over heels in love with him and he being equally sure that, though he felt something, it certainly wasn't love. Unfortunately, neither is there a clear definition, nor consistent symptoms and, hence, no conclusions either.
"Anyway," he said, continuing. "You lost your chance."
"I know. You sure opportunity isn't going to knock twice?"
"What would you do if it did?" he asked, a naughty smile emerging on his face.
"Keep a condom handy."
"What?" he asked, scandalized.
"That is all we need right? Just you, me and a condom." I was enjoying, myself now.
"You're crazy"
"So I've been told."
Crazy (adjective - informally in this context): Immoderately fond; infatuated. Intensely involved or preoccupied. Foolish or impractical.
He was right. At that moment, I was all of these and more.
"I've never met anyone like you," he shook his head in disbelief.
"Careful, you're on the verge of being nice to me," I teased him.
"You're messing with my mind."
"Nah. Just want you to give it a chance"
"It all just happened too fast." He was speaking softly now.
"Is there ever a perfect time?"
"I'm not ready. I can't say yes."
"As long as you don't say no."
"All this--"
"Maya?" I cut him off.
"Darn it, yes."
Maya (noun - Hinduism): The power of a god or demon to transform a concept into an element of the sensible world.
I don't know if I'm the God or the Demon in this context. I only know that he, me and a condom.it just sounds perfectly sensible to me.

************************************************************************************

Well, i don't know what your reaction to this was but I think the girl actually convinced me.

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EclipsE >:-]

Of love, I speak

Love ....well, I won't even know where to begin from. Anyway, let's make an attampt at least. This one turned out to be a little long though.
I've always found love something really fascinating and interesting. As a matter of habbit I always try to analyze anything, everything, anyone and everone :) that interests me. My inputs in this regard, have particularly been the incidents and the phenomena (seems like the right word) that I have seen and also my personal experiences. Right from school, somehow my perception of love and relationships has always been very different from that of the people around me. Now, I don't know who was right and who was wrong but I've had my own beliefs, just like everyone else. In school, when people used to talk about being "senti" for a particular girl or guy, I found it hard to believe how someone could really think of things like that. I mean, we were just kids, we didn't have a direction, we didn't know where life would take us. Love just didn't seem right at that point of time. I knew some people who were supposedly "going around" (dunno where that term came from). I would look at them and feel that this isn't love. It is just an attraction... perhaps a part of growing up. This doesn't mean that I was never in the company of girls. In fact, I had many girl - friends (intentional -) in school. But I never felt that I could go ahead with someone for my entire life... I always thought that it was too quick to make a call like that. Overall by the end of school, my concept of love, still pretty different from the general public, was that of a platonic relationship. For me, friendship and love meant no difference. I thought I had the perfect explanation for the phenomena called love - Love is mutated form of friendship, where the feeling of togtherness is so strong that you could do anything for that friend of yours. Now with this idea, there was no difference between the two sexes. I could potentially love a guy as much as I would love a girl. I felt happy and satisfied having found the answer to the question which, even most adults fail to answer.
But there was a major flaw. Something I realised once i was in college. I had ignored the basic fact that girls and boys are not the same. You cannot "be" the same with boys and girls. Starting from the differences that nature has created, there are different behavioral patterns and perceptions, and of course, one cannot rule out the social factors. Overall, the "code of conduct" has to differ when you are with a boy or a girl. So, once again, I was dragged back to the same question - are love and friendship essentially the same thing??? I have always been a person with an open mind full of rebel ideas. Should I accept defeat at understanding love, or open my mind to things which the society wouldn't approve of. Anyway, I decided to win and so, came the policy of no discrimination. But what about the physical aspect of relationships??? Something that I had been totally ignoring in the name of platonic relationships. I had always drawn a line but with age, this line seemed to be getting thinner and thinner and I began to realize that there's nothing called platonic when it's between me and a girl. I had to make space for sexual behaviors too. I broadly classified people in two categories - Ones for whom love and sex and closely related and others, for whom love and sex and two different things, with me belonging to the second category. I put sex a level below food, water and air. You need it like everyone else does. So, why create so much fuss about it??? I had to be right, for I had the logic and the reasoning in my favour.
But then what about marriage??? As per what I believed, marriages made no sense at all. They looked like a simple social drama and infidelity seemed so correct and obvious. Once again I had to do some more thinking. Mom was really helpful with this one and in one of my debates with her, came the point of a sane social order. To preserve the social order, you need to have rules, rather laws. I accepted that. I think she's right. The social order should be preserved else we would be reduced to animals. I haven't been very appreciative of the society as such... for a man who believes in absolute freedom, in a world without rules, it is a little difficult to honour the social code. Well, with time I learned the need for the society and I'm fine with it now. But the basic question still remains - what is this love thing all about?
Then came a personal experience of having been involved in serious commitment once. When i was "in love", I was the strongest man on earth. I was invincible. I had the might to move the world the way i wanted. Had a simple mutation in a friendship with a girl given all that might to me??? I don't think so... I believe that, that power was always there in my mind. Love harnessed it just like we now harness the, once hidden, power of the atom. I know now, that it is a state of mind. Basically, the funda is straight... guys and girls generally love eachother and fitting in the social order, we do have to settle down with "the one" ...and well, if you have to get only one of the cookies, why not shoot for the one best suited for you. So, ultimately it is the satisfaction of choosing your own cookie. Everyone wants to be strong and the best way is to harness the power of the mind using love as the reactor. So, put is simple words, people fall in love because they want to. I can't help it, but whenever I meet a girl, my first thought is that is this my cookie :D. You can choose your feelings and decide when to take the leap of your life. I still go by my first thought that love is a mutated form of friendship where you are emotionally so close to the other person that your mind unleashes its ultimate power. Physical closeness might be a consequence but should not be mitaken for the cause. ...and talking about rules, well, there are no rules if there is no commitment and if there is a commitment, a man of honour would have respect for it. Marriage is an important social institution and it should not lose its sanctity. Just that people need to open up a little and accept and respect the pre-marital personal life of their partner for they've had their own.
There would be people who won't appreciate this attempt of mine because they want to believe in the supremacy of love. For them, trying to explore love in this manner is like challenging their religious faith. Well, ignorance is bliss. Love doesn't lack logic, it's we who want a way to rise above all reason and practicality. It's the deepest desire to do something big.
Talking personally, I don't think love is blind and i don't think there's anything like falling in love, though being in love feels like as if you've been knocked off the edge of high cliff. When it comes to deciding a yes or no for a girl, my eyes are not closed and I am absolutely concious. In fact, most of us are... though we might not like to believe it because we want to preserve love as something tender and soft. We want to believe that love has no practicality attached and is purely from the heart ...and of course, we want to enjoy that drop off the cliff with eyes closed but then the depth also matters. Sometimes, you'll fall through your life and sometimes might hit the ground much quicker and end up hurt and broken ...anyway, everyone falls the first time ;). So, look before you leap!!!

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EclipsE

Game Over

Okay, finished FarCry. My previous post describes the game. In this one, i'd just say that I simply loved it.

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EclipsE

Review: FarCry

They say, computer games have come a long way, that they have evolved. But after playing FarCry, that sounds like an absolute understatement. You have to play it to believe it. I happened to have got a free copy along with my graphics card and kinda ignored it till recently with the typical view that "muft mein koi dhang ki cheez nahiin milti". Anyway, few days back, I just decided to ckeck it out and was simply amazed!!! I thought i would write this review after completing the entire game, but its quality has forced me to write about it while I still have a level to go before it's done.
Coming to the game, i have been taken aback by the spell binding graphics this one has. Huge (believe me, HUGE) environments have been rendered with near perfection quality. From now on it's gonna get a little techy. The particle systems used to render the tree and grass are like never before. This game is a treat for the eyes. You get a feel that you're right there. I haven't such water being rendered with such amazing quality. You actually get to see the reflection of the world in water with the blending of textures used for the waterbed. There are gigantic levels where the polygon count would be insane. The only way to do this is to code an outstanding algorithm for distance and backface culing and line of view based culling ...and then further improvise on it. This one is easily the best rendering engne I've ever seen. The shaders in the game are outstanding.
Coming to the gameplay, the physics of the game matches current standards. You can't just walk in with a gun and win the game in a "bam bam" style. You have to apply logic and strategy to take out the key posts particularly the recketeers and the snipers. Slow and steady is the policy of the game. For the save-load kind of gamers, there's a bad news... there is no quick save or load in the game. It automatically saves after a logical checkpoint.
Finally, I would say that it is one game that every gamer should play ...it'll be an experience. For the people interesting in graphics related technology, it's an inspiration. There is so much to learn from it. Its existence proves that very soon, real time convincing graphics will be for real!!!

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EclipsE

This might get you interested in Rajmachi!!!

This might get you interested in Rajmachi!!!

Where do I begin???

Hmm, so where do I begin?? ...it's been a day over 8 months since my last post here and i have, finally, decided to end the hibernation and turn the wheel here. Last 8 months have been a period of change ...and it's been a good time i must say. I've had a blast all this time... a real good working life i must say - 5 days of good work and another 2 days to settle the score when it comes to having fun. The balance has pretty much been there. Looking back at this period of time, there are a few things that i am reminded of -

1. Ryzerabad
I have seen hyderabad turn into Ryzerabad, thanks to this awesome online (and now offline too) community called ryze (www.ryze.com). The basic idea is simple, just get registered on the site, join the hyderabad network (http://hyd-network.ryze.com) and land up at any of the meetings, which happen pretty often. Ryze has the credit for making weekends happening for a lot of people ...people like me who have come to this city from other places and have practically no local group. We've watched loads of movies together, been to pubs, readmeets, ghazal sessions and a lot of other things. My page on ryze can be seen at http://www.ryze.com/go/DarkDevil

2. Rajmachi
This was one trek I can never, ever, forget. The dates were 1st to 4th July ...which means rains in the region were at their worst (or best, however you may put it). Rajmachi is a fort in the hills of the western-ghats, between Karjat and Lonavala. The plan was to get down at Karjat and trek from there to Lonavala over the next 2 days. It's been sometime, so, i don't have the enthu of writing a complete travel log. Still, all I would say is that it was the worst time to go there as the treks were pretty slippery and dangerous ...but at the same time it was the best time to go there as that place would never have been more beautiful. There was greenary everywhere, and of course, water water everywhere. The worst imagined rainfalls were happening every 15 minutes and the Ullhas River in the valley was flooded. Against all odds we made the trip successfully getting to see Kondana Caves and Rajmachi Fort, which was a tough trek through really steep hills and valleys ...and the beautiful and untouched region between Rajmachi and Lonavala, which was almost a 17 Km trek. Overall, this was one awesome experience and I would recommend everyone to try this once ...in the worst & best time!!!

3. My Monster
It had been almost a year since my gaming insticts had been on the backfoot. The major cause was my machine that wouldn't support any of the new games around. Anyway, my bro happened to take that thing to his college ...good enough for his "Educational Purposes" >:). So, I bought my new Monster couple of weeks back. This time it's an Athelon 64 bit 1.8 geegz processor with 1 geegz RAM. Got an MSI, NForce M/B with SLI. The real pleasure is the graphics card, which happens to be an XFX GeForce 6600 GT - supports dual monitors and TV. As of now, this thing runs any damn game around. I just finished with HalfLife-2 and Doom-3 and Farcry are on the list. There are also some movies that i got from IIIT, that are awaiting my attention. Overall, my monster that happens to be called "Nocturno", is doing pretty well.

Well then, this post is just a warmup excercise coz i haven't been writing all this while, but from now on, I shall try to be a bit more regular with this. So, all you readers, have awesome fun!!!

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EclipsE