Hazaaron khwahishein aisi...

Today, is a day full of mixed emotions... I'm angry and I'm frustrated ...and I'm smiling, and I'm in deep thought. This is one of those days when I'm back to the basics ...what is it that I want? ...the question that haunts me much less than other "normal" human beings, is popping in my head. The events of the day aren't completely responsible for this... i guess they were just the trigger to an old build-up.
I have ghazals playing in the background and somehow, they are all making a lot of sense...

Hazaaron khwahishein aisi, ki har khwahish pe dum nikale
bahut nikale mere armaan, lekin phir bhi kam nikale!!
-- Ghalib's masterpiece in Jagjit Singh's golden voice

All I want is everything (that's what i've been telling myself), or perhaps not. Today, I'm confused. Anyway, I've given up that thought for the moment. This is one of those rare days when I find myself standing at crossroads trying to figure out which way to go. I know, this is not my style and it is pretty unlike me, but i do have the right to be human at times. So, this is me, thinking about my life, about the things I want and things I want to happen to me or to my friends. I take a walk through the deepest and darkest corners of my mind.
I have taken a break from the fast life today, to mourn.... mourn all the losses I've ever suffered in my life - people I lost and the feelings that I lost.

Dekha to mera saayaa bhi, mujhse juda mila,
socha to har kisi se, mera silsila mila
sheher-e-wafa mein ab kise ehel-e-wafa kahein,
humse gale mila, to wohi bewafa mila
-- Jagjit Singh makes me think once more

One moment I feel detached from everyone and everything, as if nothing matters at all ...and then the very next moment, many people who weren't that important till yesterday, feel so close!!
Optipism is on a low today and yes, I'm feeling a little depressed too. I have my own reasons ...and there's no one reason for it all. Perhaps this would be the most outrageous reason of all - why can't the world around me, be the way i want it to be!!???
Interestingly, it is this reason that is making me smile today. I actually find it comical for a person as practical as me to feel this way.
Well, this is a time when I've put aside all my practicality and I've actually chosen to feel this way. Hence, I am so full of contradictions right now.
In the meanwhile, a change of song causes a change in the line of thought....

zindagi mein to sabhi pyar kiya karte hain,
mein to mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tujhe chaahoonga

apne jazbaat mein, naghmaat (songs) rachaane ke liye,
maine dhadkan ki tarah dil mein basaya hai tujhe
mein tassavvur bhi judai ka bhalaa kaise karoon,
maine kismat ki lakeeron se churaya hai tujhe
pyar ka banke nigehbaan, tujhe chaahoonga
mein to mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tujhe chaahoonga.
zindagi mein to sabhi pyar kiya karte hain
-- Mehdi Hassan melts the hardened heart!!!

"To love or not to love??" has become another significant question, and i'm stuck in between. In my life full of absolutes, this is the most ironic situation. I know I'm on the verge of falling and this time I really can't make the call. The basic reason perhaps is that I find it against my self-respect to make the absolute fall before an indication from the other end and i'm also reminded of the old hurt. I know that I am responsible for my own destiny and if I do anything stupid, there noone else to blame for the consequences but myself. It's a wierd situation but just like everything else, today I'm letting myself loose on this one too... let me fall.
A couple of days back, I fell on the stairs ...and then got up confidently. I felt as if something was being told to me - It is okay to fall. Maybe i'll hit the ground but then i can get up, confidently once more. Afterall, aadmi gir kar hi seekhta hai

Well, the song changes and I realise what's missing

Koi dost hai, na raqeeb hai,
tera sheher kitna ajeeb hai
yahaan kiska chehra padha karoon,
yahaan kaun itna kareeb hai

and then...

Humsafar hota koi to, baant lete dooriyan,
raah chalte log, kya samjhein meri majbooriyan

-- Jagjit Singh hits where it hurts the most

5 years in this city and noone to call mine... that's where it hurts!!! though, I stand tall and unaffected. Perhaps I expect too much ...but do I??? Is truth and trust too much to ask for???
I have always been experiencing the side-effects of being a "bindaas guy". Noone takes you seriously. Even your utmost sincerity is mistaken for another one of those stupid jokes.
Anyway, i think i'll stop writing here... and though as a writer, I always close my writings with an optimistic thought, i won't be doing it this time for in these matters, there's little room for any kind of optimism. Let's accept things the way they are.

Mohabbat mein nahiin hai farq, jeene aur marne ka,
usi ko dekh kar jeete hain, jis kaafir pe dum nikale

--
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