Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A word with god

I closed my eyes and the past 8 years just flashed in front of me. I guess, he never thought i would be silent for so long. To be honest, he did make an attempt to get us back on talking terms ...but then, as always, it was he who screwed up and angered me more. Anyway, he's trying it again... another one of his cheap tricks. So, finally i decided to break my silence and talk.
"What the hell do you think you're doing??", I asked out loud.
"Well, I'm just trying to make things better for you", came the reply.
"Better... yeah why not!! you always made things better!! you're just so good at doing that. Perhaps our definitions of the word 'better' differ in totality. The last time you made things better for me, I ended up with a heart so broken that it hurts till date ...and the time before that ...I think it's 'better' if i don't mention it." I was waiting to hear some kind of justification.
"Don't you find yourself a better man today?? Don't you feel that you've earned the position where you are?", he started.
"...and would i have been worse had everything been normal and fine", I cut him off
"I dunno but what could have given you the drive to achieve whatever you achieved", he tried to justify.
"Wow... that's great!!. You screw up someone's life under the cover of giving him the drive to acheive ...and then you have the heart to justify your cruel actions in this manner", I stood amazed. How could someone defend himself like that!??
"Fine, I agree i did bad things to you. But isn't it unfair on your part to not look at the good things. Afterall, you are the one who always talks about the 'law of averages'. Take your time and you'll see that your share of good and bad things will balance itself out", he spoke after a moment of absolute silence.
"Even if I forgive you for the times long lost, I can never forgive you for her. Why the hell did you do that to me? At a time when i had lost myself, she brought me back to life... and then when I was truly and deeply in love with her, you changed everything. Why did you show me the dream that was not meant to be. You have no idea how much that hurt", I said suppressing the anguish.
"Well, let's say you saw the wrong dream. She was there because you were losing focus. Her purpose was to bring you on the right track and she accomplished her mission. You were not supposed to be with her. However, I like it that you loved her inspite of the way she went out of your life", he anwered calmly, with a smile on his face.
Though I didn't want to accept it, I did get his point. Such a smart-ass... the best negotiator of all times. "Alright, I choose to move ahead. You know it well that i don't dig the dead. So, it's over and it's okay now. But i'm seriously worried about this new prank you're playing on me"
"It's not a prank for 'my' sake!!! She's very real and you know that", he replied.
"Yeah i know how real things are in my life. I've gotten used to your sense of realism. But I have to admit that i'm doing the same thing again. I am falling for her... rather, I have fallen for her. I hate to say this but please!! promise me you won't screw this up", I said this with a little element of expectation. I had't expected anything from him since 8 years. So, this was an uncomfortable feeling.
"You know I don't make promises. I never commit to anything", came the rather spontaneous reply.
"Yeah, I've heard that before", is all I could say.
"But then you have to have faith ...", he started.
I immediately cut him off on this one, "Don't you give me any bullshit on faith!!!"
"... alright, not in me but at least in yourself. You know it well that it is your faith in yourself and your determination that has helped you achieve whatever you have", he defended himself.
"umm, that could be said. I really feel like telling you what i've learnt. It's not about you, and it's not about the devil either. It's just me... yeah, only me. Be it your grace or the devil's force, it's me who does everything. You guys just set the stage ...I guess i've learnt to live with that fact now", I was beginning to calm down.
"You seem to have stolen our trade secret!!", he laughed.
"Hehe, it's okay... don't worry! I won't try to be god, nor the devil. But on a more serious note, I know what i'm gonna do. I will walk the path I want to. I take responsibility of my own destiny. I know I love her and I will do everything it takes to reach the heights where we could rise above everything else and be together. Now it doesn't matter even if you screw this up, again", I was composed and was talking to him like a friend.
"Hmm, I like that attitude of yours. Anyway, I have to go now... need to attend to my business", he started to walk away. "Perhaps, we should be talking more ...and more often", he said while waving me goodbye.
"Well, that depends on your conduct this time", I smiled and winked.
I opened my eyes and had a strange feeling. The kind of feeling you get on talking to someone you've known for so long but haven't spoken to since ages.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Hellraiser raises hell!

"Hellraiser", yeah ...that's the name I've given to my precious home theatre. Everyday in the morning, I play music on it for about an hour ...that is, while I get ready for office. Today I was playing songs at the "usual" volume when the neighbours sent their servant to ask me to lower the volume... and as soon as i came out of the house, there's this aunty - "can you 'please' play songs at a lower volume. We are getting disturbed". With a smile on my face I said, "Alright ma'am, I'll lower the volume right away". Finally, my "Hellraiser" lived up to its expectations. Now don't mistake me for a sadist. It was just once that i wanted to do this and also it was only the "usual" volume, as mentioned above.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Of sins, I speak

"The 7 deadly sins, each with its distinct characteristics but all leading to the fall of man, sending him straight to hell!!!"

I started my research on the sins, since the day i was told they were evil and should be kept in check. As a matter of habbit, I wanted reasons. Why are the sins evil and deadly??
is it because they send you to hell???
well, if that is the case, I don't give a damn to what happens to me after i'm dead.
is it because they lead to a fall???
umm, i think sometimes a fall is worth the pleaures that precede it.

What makes us human is our intelligence and instincts - the two things which other animals lack. So, If we lose them, we're no better than a pet dog. But the very concept of sins falls in the path of satisfying our instincs and I have always found this contradiction very annoying.
"look, but don't touch. touch, but don't taste. taste, but don't swallow" [Devil's Advocate] - aren't the rules in opposition to our instincts!!??

Pride is said to be the strongest and deadlist sin. But ain't it pride that gives you confidence to face the world? You know why pride is deadliest? It is simply because it is in direct opposition to the supremacy of god. This is what one of the sites has to say about pride - "Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity"
What is wrong if someone believes in his/her abilities? I would never undermine the strength of human caliber and the power of the human mind. I think people should be proud of who they are. Pride, definitely, is my strongest sin ...and i'm proud of it.
For those proud people, who care about what happens to them after they die, here is what happens.
Reward in hell - You'll be broken on the wheel. (Whatever that means >:-])

Envy is the second sin on the list. It is defined as "desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation". Well, this is the sin, least known to me. I have practically no element of envy in me so, never bothered to really understand it. But one thing i realised is that the cure for envy is pride. It's strange that the two deadliest sins are in direct opposition. I don't envy anyone because i'm so proud of myself that i never have to envy what others have. But then, a little envy is also required. It helps you set short term goals. What's wrong if you desire to be smart or handsome or rich like someone else? It should, in fact, give you a reason to work hard and give your best to achieve what you aim for.
Reward you get in hell - "You'll be put in freezing water" (Hypothermia won't kill you as you're already dead)

Anger/Wrath comes next in the list and here's what is said about it "Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury". This is one interesting sin because it could destroy you but if given a direction, could rocket you right to the top. It is, perhaps, the one sin that needs serious and concious control. I know this because after pride, this would be my next strong sin. Wrath is like a fire that burns inside you. Used with care, it can fuel your engines and allowed to grow, it can burn you out. You should play with fire only if you have the confidence that you can control it. The best part about wrath is that it can give you the focus and super-human strength to achieve your goals. It is an inseparable component of passion.
Reward in hell - "You'll be dismembered alive" (Victory matters, not the pieces of my body)

Sloth is kinda self-explanatory. Anyway the definition goes like this - "Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work". Spiritual work, well don't know and don't care but as far as physical work is concerned, I find this more of a health related issue, rather than a deadly sin that sends you to hell. It's your body and you have the right to do with it, whatever you want. Anyway, the heavens differ and "care" about you. So, people! stay fit, else you have a reward waiting for you in hell.
Reward in hell - "You'll be thrown into snake pits" (I'd love to be with snakes)

Greed is the next big sin. "Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual". Fact is that greed and envy, are perhaps, the only sins i hate because they have no sense of honour. Material wealth and gains are required to enjoy this short life. Hence, desire is something very natural and is fine till there is care and concern for others. The moment you lose that concern, it becomes greed. For me, greed is the biggest sin because it does no good to you at all while it destroys you and your reputation. If someone disagrees, i'd love to hear the good side of it... this side i might have missed.
Reward in hell - "You'll be boiled alive in oil" (Can you smell what Satan's cookin')

Gluttony or "an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires" is termed as the next sin. But I find this pretty controvertial. How would you define the boundry of "what a person requires". Frankly, what beyond air, water, food and shelter??? if that's the case, we are all sinners for the technological progress we made. As per the definition, the stone age seems to be the only place where we were consuming only what we required. We live in a social system and there can be no finite boundry to one's requirements. Now, there is practically no gap between necessities and luxuries. I would simply strike this off the list but hell is ready to welcome us all.
Reward in hell - "you'll be force-fed rats, toads, and snakes" (vegetarians?? ...and btw, what sin did the rats, toads and snakes commit???)

Lust - the forbidden fruit ...the taboo!!! Here is the definition "Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body". I see absolutely nothing wrong with lust. I have already talked about it in a couple of older posts. Lust is the desire to satisfy one's senses and denying your insticts is denying the very thing that makes you human [The Matix]. Lust would definitely be my next strongest sin after wrath. Lust and wrath together make passion, one of the strongest feelings known to man ...the fuel to some of our greatest successes.
Reward in hell - "You'll be smothered in fire and brimstone" (passion burns hotter than that, so it's okay)

...well, that's my take on the 7 "deadly" sins. At the end of it I feel I am a proud, angry, lusty, glutton and sloth sinner. What turns my sins into my strengths are the virtues of honour, honesty, love, strength and courage. While i have a strong element of pride, the element of honour in me is equally high and that makes pride harmless, yet effective. With my anger and lust, i have love and honesty which makes me walk the right path, with my passions still being my guiding force. Finally, if all shall fail and i shall fall, I have the strength and the courage to get up and walk my path ...again.
I live with my sins and love them for they are an integral part of my identity.


references from http://deadlysins.com/

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Bible of the Devil

Few would have thought what is the "bible of the devil". Well, lemme tell you that i now have a copy of this book of temptations. The other day i was at the Sony showroom and brought the sony product catalogue. It is the book of ultimate temptations. You could just go on looking at the cool stuff in there and keep imagining yourself with all of it. It was like i want this, I definitely want this and i just can't live without this. It is the ultimate book of ultimate temptaions. Indeed, the bible of the devil... and i posess a copy!!! >:)

My Preciousssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diwali time, yet again. Nothing special for me as such. I'm not too fond of diwali as such. I'm not at all into any kind of worship and not into fireworks either. So, it's typically just another day, the good part being the shopping and the good food.
Couple of days before Diwali, is the festival of Dhan-Teras. As per tradition we buy silver on this day. Now people typically buy ornaments or utensils of silver, but me being me, decided to do something different. So, what did i do??... well i bought silver too. But in the form of fine lining and wiring. What good is that.... umm, lemme elaborate.
I bought silver lining and wiring which is fixed on a circuit-board. This circuit board is mounted in a metallic frame with other circuitary, and some motors and optical instruments. All of this is inside a silver colored cabinet which is connected to 4 speakers (2 front + 2 surround 120 w RMS x 4), a centre speaker (another 120 w RMS power) and a sub-woofer (rocking 200 w RMS) ....and that totals to 800 watts of unaltered, pure digital sound. All of it put together, I bought a SONY DVD Home Theatre System .... yessssss, yesssssssssss, yesssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!! my precioussssss! my precioussssssssssss!!
woah ....finally!!!, I had been dreaming about this day since times i can't remember. Now i own .....in fact, posess a wega theatre that includes a 29" Sony Wega and a Sony DVD Home Theatre System. This beast plays everything from Audio CD to DVD, mp3 to jpeg to DivX. That means, my collection of DivX movies can now be watched with full effects. As expected, I spent the entire diwali weekend watching movies.
Looking at it from another viewpoint, i see 30K going down the drain for something that's more of a luxury while there would be other things on higher priority. But then, i didn't buy a luxury, I bought my passion...I hunted down a big dream. Compared to my satisfaction, the money i spent was peanuts. I have paid through the nose for this thing, but my policy stands intact - "no risk, no gain... and no pain, no gain".
Crazy, is what they call me because while they wait, trapped in the present, hoping that the future will turn their dreams into reality, I shoot and hunt down my dreams right away!!!