All these days, I've seen us together,
...and here we are, closer than ever
You gave me back, my poem ...my words,
that i had lost, in a life among nerds
Now, here I am, in love with you,
with the core of my heart, shining anew
I'd die for you , I'd live for you,
and all I have, I'd give for you
But,
with everything, I'd do for you,
there is one thing, I can not do
...and that one thing, I leave to thee,
for I just can not, make you love me
-- Manas Saran (29th Sept, 2005)
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
Bavra mann
I always felt like posting the lyrics of this song and always forgot to do so.
But today I just couldn't forget doing this -
Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna...
streets we have never walked on,
windows we have never opened,
hands we have never held,
dreams we shall never, never see again.
Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna,
bavre se mann ki dekho, bavri hain baatein
bavri si dhadkanein hain, bavri hain saansein
lives we have never lived,
hopes we never realized,
fires we have never lit,
laughs we shall never, never make again
Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna...
I hear those strange whispers again.
--
EclipsE
But today I just couldn't forget doing this -
Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna...
streets we have never walked on,
windows we have never opened,
hands we have never held,
dreams we shall never, never see again.
Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna,
bavre se mann ki dekho, bavri hain baatein
bavri si dhadkanein hain, bavri hain saansein
lives we have never lived,
hopes we never realized,
fires we have never lit,
laughs we shall never, never make again
Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna...
I hear those strange whispers again.
--
EclipsE
Friday, September 23, 2005
Hazaaron khwahishein aisi...
Today, is a day full of mixed emotions... I'm angry and I'm frustrated ...and I'm smiling, and I'm in deep thought. This is one of those days when I'm back to the basics ...what is it that I want? ...the question that haunts me much less than other "normal" human beings, is popping in my head. The events of the day aren't completely responsible for this... i guess they were just the trigger to an old build-up.
I have ghazals playing in the background and somehow, they are all making a lot of sense...
Hazaaron khwahishein aisi, ki har khwahish pe dum nikale
bahut nikale mere armaan, lekin phir bhi kam nikale!!
-- Ghalib's masterpiece in Jagjit Singh's golden voice
All I want is everything (that's what i've been telling myself), or perhaps not. Today, I'm confused. Anyway, I've given up that thought for the moment. This is one of those rare days when I find myself standing at crossroads trying to figure out which way to go. I know, this is not my style and it is pretty unlike me, but i do have the right to be human at times. So, this is me, thinking about my life, about the things I want and things I want to happen to me or to my friends. I take a walk through the deepest and darkest corners of my mind.
I have taken a break from the fast life today, to mourn.... mourn all the losses I've ever suffered in my life - people I lost and the feelings that I lost.
Dekha to mera saayaa bhi, mujhse juda mila,
socha to har kisi se, mera silsila mila
sheher-e-wafa mein ab kise ehel-e-wafa kahein,
humse gale mila, to wohi bewafa mila
-- Jagjit Singh makes me think once more
One moment I feel detached from everyone and everything, as if nothing matters at all ...and then the very next moment, many people who weren't that important till yesterday, feel so close!!
Optipism is on a low today and yes, I'm feeling a little depressed too. I have my own reasons ...and there's no one reason for it all. Perhaps this would be the most outrageous reason of all - why can't the world around me, be the way i want it to be!!???
Interestingly, it is this reason that is making me smile today. I actually find it comical for a person as practical as me to feel this way.
Well, this is a time when I've put aside all my practicality and I've actually chosen to feel this way. Hence, I am so full of contradictions right now.
In the meanwhile, a change of song causes a change in the line of thought....
zindagi mein to sabhi pyar kiya karte hain,
mein to mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tujhe chaahoonga
apne jazbaat mein, naghmaat (songs) rachaane ke liye,
maine dhadkan ki tarah dil mein basaya hai tujhe
mein tassavvur bhi judai ka bhalaa kaise karoon,
maine kismat ki lakeeron se churaya hai tujhe
pyar ka banke nigehbaan, tujhe chaahoonga
mein to mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tujhe chaahoonga.
zindagi mein to sabhi pyar kiya karte hain
-- Mehdi Hassan melts the hardened heart!!!
"To love or not to love??" has become another significant question, and i'm stuck in between. In my life full of absolutes, this is the most ironic situation. I know I'm on the verge of falling and this time I really can't make the call. The basic reason perhaps is that I find it against my self-respect to make the absolute fall before an indication from the other end and i'm also reminded of the old hurt. I know that I am responsible for my own destiny and if I do anything stupid, there noone else to blame for the consequences but myself. It's a wierd situation but just like everything else, today I'm letting myself loose on this one too... let me fall.
A couple of days back, I fell on the stairs ...and then got up confidently. I felt as if something was being told to me - It is okay to fall. Maybe i'll hit the ground but then i can get up, confidently once more. Afterall, aadmi gir kar hi seekhta hai
Well, the song changes and I realise what's missing
Koi dost hai, na raqeeb hai,
tera sheher kitna ajeeb hai
yahaan kiska chehra padha karoon,
yahaan kaun itna kareeb hai
and then...
Humsafar hota koi to, baant lete dooriyan,
raah chalte log, kya samjhein meri majbooriyan
-- Jagjit Singh hits where it hurts the most
5 years in this city and noone to call mine... that's where it hurts!!! though, I stand tall and unaffected. Perhaps I expect too much ...but do I??? Is truth and trust too much to ask for???
I have always been experiencing the side-effects of being a "bindaas guy". Noone takes you seriously. Even your utmost sincerity is mistaken for another one of those stupid jokes.
Anyway, i think i'll stop writing here... and though as a writer, I always close my writings with an optimistic thought, i won't be doing it this time for in these matters, there's little room for any kind of optimism. Let's accept things the way they are.
Mohabbat mein nahiin hai farq, jeene aur marne ka,
usi ko dekh kar jeete hain, jis kaafir pe dum nikale
--
EclipsE
I have ghazals playing in the background and somehow, they are all making a lot of sense...
Hazaaron khwahishein aisi, ki har khwahish pe dum nikale
bahut nikale mere armaan, lekin phir bhi kam nikale!!
-- Ghalib's masterpiece in Jagjit Singh's golden voice
All I want is everything (that's what i've been telling myself), or perhaps not. Today, I'm confused. Anyway, I've given up that thought for the moment. This is one of those rare days when I find myself standing at crossroads trying to figure out which way to go. I know, this is not my style and it is pretty unlike me, but i do have the right to be human at times. So, this is me, thinking about my life, about the things I want and things I want to happen to me or to my friends. I take a walk through the deepest and darkest corners of my mind.
I have taken a break from the fast life today, to mourn.... mourn all the losses I've ever suffered in my life - people I lost and the feelings that I lost.
Dekha to mera saayaa bhi, mujhse juda mila,
socha to har kisi se, mera silsila mila
sheher-e-wafa mein ab kise ehel-e-wafa kahein,
humse gale mila, to wohi bewafa mila
-- Jagjit Singh makes me think once more
One moment I feel detached from everyone and everything, as if nothing matters at all ...and then the very next moment, many people who weren't that important till yesterday, feel so close!!
Optipism is on a low today and yes, I'm feeling a little depressed too. I have my own reasons ...and there's no one reason for it all. Perhaps this would be the most outrageous reason of all - why can't the world around me, be the way i want it to be!!???
Interestingly, it is this reason that is making me smile today. I actually find it comical for a person as practical as me to feel this way.
Well, this is a time when I've put aside all my practicality and I've actually chosen to feel this way. Hence, I am so full of contradictions right now.
In the meanwhile, a change of song causes a change in the line of thought....
zindagi mein to sabhi pyar kiya karte hain,
mein to mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tujhe chaahoonga
apne jazbaat mein, naghmaat (songs) rachaane ke liye,
maine dhadkan ki tarah dil mein basaya hai tujhe
mein tassavvur bhi judai ka bhalaa kaise karoon,
maine kismat ki lakeeron se churaya hai tujhe
pyar ka banke nigehbaan, tujhe chaahoonga
mein to mar kar bhi, meri jaan, tujhe chaahoonga.
zindagi mein to sabhi pyar kiya karte hain
-- Mehdi Hassan melts the hardened heart!!!
"To love or not to love??" has become another significant question, and i'm stuck in between. In my life full of absolutes, this is the most ironic situation. I know I'm on the verge of falling and this time I really can't make the call. The basic reason perhaps is that I find it against my self-respect to make the absolute fall before an indication from the other end and i'm also reminded of the old hurt. I know that I am responsible for my own destiny and if I do anything stupid, there noone else to blame for the consequences but myself. It's a wierd situation but just like everything else, today I'm letting myself loose on this one too... let me fall.
A couple of days back, I fell on the stairs ...and then got up confidently. I felt as if something was being told to me - It is okay to fall. Maybe i'll hit the ground but then i can get up, confidently once more. Afterall, aadmi gir kar hi seekhta hai
Well, the song changes and I realise what's missing
Koi dost hai, na raqeeb hai,
tera sheher kitna ajeeb hai
yahaan kiska chehra padha karoon,
yahaan kaun itna kareeb hai
and then...
Humsafar hota koi to, baant lete dooriyan,
raah chalte log, kya samjhein meri majbooriyan
-- Jagjit Singh hits where it hurts the most
5 years in this city and noone to call mine... that's where it hurts!!! though, I stand tall and unaffected. Perhaps I expect too much ...but do I??? Is truth and trust too much to ask for???
I have always been experiencing the side-effects of being a "bindaas guy". Noone takes you seriously. Even your utmost sincerity is mistaken for another one of those stupid jokes.
Anyway, i think i'll stop writing here... and though as a writer, I always close my writings with an optimistic thought, i won't be doing it this time for in these matters, there's little room for any kind of optimism. Let's accept things the way they are.
Mohabbat mein nahiin hai farq, jeene aur marne ka,
usi ko dekh kar jeete hain, jis kaafir pe dum nikale
--
EclipsE
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I said it...
Here are a chosen few of my lines that just came up during various conversations -
1. I don't play by the rules, I play "with" the rules
2. Your company does you no favour. So, it is unprofessional to be grateful to your company.
3. These days, ethics are in fashion
4. Stop comparing Windows and Linux. You can't compare a work of art with a work of science.
5. Mirrors made me believe that insanity could be personified
6. If worship god, so that good things happen, why not worship the devil so that bad things don't happen?
7. Do something ...or destroy something!!!
--
EclipsE
1. I don't play by the rules, I play "with" the rules
2. Your company does you no favour. So, it is unprofessional to be grateful to your company.
3. These days, ethics are in fashion
4. Stop comparing Windows and Linux. You can't compare a work of art with a work of science.
5. Mirrors made me believe that insanity could be personified
6. If worship god, so that good things happen, why not worship the devil so that bad things don't happen?
7. Do something ...or destroy something!!!
--
EclipsE
Monday, September 19, 2005
aaaaah
I declare today's weather, the most romantic in this entire season!!!
....and that's pretty much it. Unfortunately I have nothing more to say or do about it.
--
EclipsE
....and that's pretty much it. Unfortunately I have nothing more to say or do about it.
--
EclipsE
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Tagged!!!
Tagged by Sabita:
Three names I go by:
1) Manas
2) Saran
3) Goju!!!
Three Screen Names:
1) EclipsE
2) DevilHimself
3) The PieceMaker (when i used to play Quake-3)
Three things I like about myself:
1) The clarity of my mind - what i want and when and how i want it
2) My belief in my actions
3) My intensity, passion and focus in doing whatever i choose to do
Three things I don't like about myself:
1) My anger (rare, but pretty bad)
2) My insensitivity
3) My inability to do more than one thing at one time (can't even handle two chat windows at the same time)
Three things that scare me:
1) My anger and nothing else
2)
3)
Three essentials:
1) Interesting people around
2) Good food, music and clothes (bole to, good lifestyle)
3) Speed (in everything perhaps)
Three things I like in the opposite sex:
1) Smartness
2) Agressiveness
3) Love for vampires ;)
Three things that I want to do badly now:
1) bungy jumping
2) sky diving
3) *evil grin*
Three careers I am considering right now:
1) Actor (Theatre)
2) Game Programmer
3) Wildlife photographer
Three places I'd love to go on vacation:
1) Grand Canyon
2) Niagra Falls
3) Outer Space
Three kids' names I like:
1) Kittu
2) Nannu
3) Aryan
Three things to do before dying:
1) Do something significant for the Department of Defence
2) Write the game of the year
3) Conquer the world
Three people who get to take this wonderful quiz:
1) ONE THING TO RULE THEM ALL
2) Three Drinks Ahead
3)
--
EclipsE
Three names I go by:
1) Manas
2) Saran
3) Goju!!!
Three Screen Names:
1) EclipsE
2) DevilHimself
3) The PieceMaker (when i used to play Quake-3)
Three things I like about myself:
1) The clarity of my mind - what i want and when and how i want it
2) My belief in my actions
3) My intensity, passion and focus in doing whatever i choose to do
Three things I don't like about myself:
1) My anger (rare, but pretty bad)
2) My insensitivity
3) My inability to do more than one thing at one time (can't even handle two chat windows at the same time)
Three things that scare me:
1) My anger and nothing else
2)
3)
Three essentials:
1) Interesting people around
2) Good food, music and clothes (bole to, good lifestyle)
3) Speed (in everything perhaps)
Three things I like in the opposite sex:
1) Smartness
2) Agressiveness
3) Love for vampires ;)
Three things that I want to do badly now:
1) bungy jumping
2) sky diving
3) *evil grin*
Three careers I am considering right now:
1) Actor (Theatre)
2) Game Programmer
3) Wildlife photographer
Three places I'd love to go on vacation:
1) Grand Canyon
2) Niagra Falls
3) Outer Space
Three kids' names I like:
1) Kittu
2) Nannu
3) Aryan
Three things to do before dying:
1) Do something significant for the Department of Defence
2) Write the game of the year
3) Conquer the world
Three people who get to take this wonderful quiz:
1) ONE THING TO RULE THEM ALL
2) Three Drinks Ahead
3)
--
EclipsE
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Love and Lust
For once, this is not something that i have written. I got this as an email forward... in fact, many people in IIIT got this. It is written in the form of a conversation between a guy and a girl and it actually sparked off a debate in the hostel with some people supporting the guy's point of view and some, the girl's.
Overall, I found this one really interesting and intriguing. Here it goes -
**********************************************************************************
"You know what all this is, don't you?" he asked me, all too seriously one day.
"What?" The words everlasting love, soul mates and unending romance popped into my mind.
"All this is maya.lust," he stated candidly.
"Is it a bad thing that I lust for you?" I asked, my fingers crossed.
"Lust for anyone is bad," he proclaimed.
Lust (noun): An intense or unrestrained sexual craving.
I would have thought he would be flattered, but no such luck. Whatever society can't understand, control or appreciate, is deemed bad, taboo, wrong, to be stopped and kept in check, and this idea is engraved all too deeply in many an Indian mind.
"Put all your morality aside for a second," I told him earnestly. "Then would you sleep with me?"
"I'll be honest. It is a tempting thought, but no."
"Why?" I wouldn't let him off so easily.
"The consequences wouldn't be worth it. I just couldn't do that to Mike."
Mike (my ex-boyfriend): A very nice, friendly, good human being. Unfortunately, we had no chemistry. Mike's best friend and I on the other hand shared a bit too much chemistry and to add to the complexity of the situation, Mike still harbored feelings for me.
"You know what people do to each other?" he continued.
"What?" I listened attentively.
"They use each other to satisfy their senses. But one must control one's senses."
"Why should you control it? Don't you love me?" I asked, looking for my silver lining.
"I do not love you," he replied without hesitation.
"Then what was it you felt for me that night?" I had tears now in my eyes.
That night (mutually understood code word): It stood for the one night of intimacy that did not finally (for better or worse is debatable) end in sex.
References to that incident were made by both of us all too frequently as we grappled to come to terms with what it truly meant to us as individuals and what we meant also to each other.
"It was a mistake. My body just took over my mind." He was at least clear where he stood in this entire mess.
"How can you say that? Do you regret it?" I was grasping, now.
"Sometimes I do."
"But it was so amazing!" I exclaimed, still unbelieving.
"Good for you," he shrugged.
Good for you (phrase): Used frequently by him to undermine any enjoyment that he may have had in our relationship and to highlight his indifference to any suggestion that what we had may be even remotely special.
"So, what am I to you?" I asked him, hoping to hear anything other than the word 'friend'.
"A friend," he replied. He never gave 'right' answers.
"And you want us to just put all that we felt behind us?"
"It is better that way. We can be friends if we don't have this stuff between us."
"But you mean the world to me."
"I don't mean anything. I'm nobody. All this is just an illusion," he said, exasperated. Sometimes I wondered if he thought that I was on the rebound and didn't appreciate the idea.
Rebound (verb): To recover as from depression or disappointment. Just getting out of one relationship and into another often undermines the depth of the new relationship lest it have occurred only because the person was let down by the first one.
"Too bad you feel that way," I said trying to make light of a somewhat heavy situation. "I think you and I would've been great together."
"Don't tell me you still want to. What was it that I did to you anyway?"he seemed pleasantly surprised.
"Ah, the heart wants what it wants.there's no explaining these things.who was it who said that? Woody Allen, I think." I tried to sound cheerful now.
"Take some time...figure out what you want," he said gently.
"I know what I want," I replied, very sure of myself.
"What?" he queried, as if he didn't know.
"I want to have a relationship with you."
"What kind of relationship?" he asked, curious. "Sexual?"
"We can start with that," I said, winking.
"I just don't understand you," he said, waving the suggestion away.
"Do you think people fall in love first then have sex or have sex first and then fall in love?"
"I wish I knew." He was smiling now.
Love (noun - in this context): A feeling of intense desire or attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
We were stuck now in a deadlock, with me being completely sure that I was head over heels in love with him and he being equally sure that, though he felt something, it certainly wasn't love. Unfortunately, neither is there a clear definition, nor consistent symptoms and, hence, no conclusions either.
"Anyway," he said, continuing. "You lost your chance."
"I know. You sure opportunity isn't going to knock twice?"
"What would you do if it did?" he asked, a naughty smile emerging on his face.
"Keep a condom handy."
"What?" he asked, scandalized.
"That is all we need right? Just you, me and a condom." I was enjoying, myself now.
"You're crazy"
"So I've been told."
Crazy (adjective - informally in this context): Immoderately fond; infatuated. Intensely involved or preoccupied. Foolish or impractical.
He was right. At that moment, I was all of these and more.
"I've never met anyone like you," he shook his head in disbelief.
"Careful, you're on the verge of being nice to me," I teased him.
"You're messing with my mind."
"Nah. Just want you to give it a chance"
"It all just happened too fast." He was speaking softly now.
"Is there ever a perfect time?"
"I'm not ready. I can't say yes."
"As long as you don't say no."
"All this--"
"Maya?" I cut him off.
"Darn it, yes."
Maya (noun - Hinduism): The power of a god or demon to transform a concept into an element of the sensible world.
I don't know if I'm the God or the Demon in this context. I only know that he, me and a condom.it just sounds perfectly sensible to me.
************************************************************************************
Well, i don't know what your reaction to this was but I think the girl actually convinced me.
--
EclipsE >:-]
Overall, I found this one really interesting and intriguing. Here it goes -
**********************************************************************************
"You know what all this is, don't you?" he asked me, all too seriously one day.
"What?" The words everlasting love, soul mates and unending romance popped into my mind.
"All this is maya.lust," he stated candidly.
"Is it a bad thing that I lust for you?" I asked, my fingers crossed.
"Lust for anyone is bad," he proclaimed.
Lust (noun): An intense or unrestrained sexual craving.
I would have thought he would be flattered, but no such luck. Whatever society can't understand, control or appreciate, is deemed bad, taboo, wrong, to be stopped and kept in check, and this idea is engraved all too deeply in many an Indian mind.
"Put all your morality aside for a second," I told him earnestly. "Then would you sleep with me?"
"I'll be honest. It is a tempting thought, but no."
"Why?" I wouldn't let him off so easily.
"The consequences wouldn't be worth it. I just couldn't do that to Mike."
Mike (my ex-boyfriend): A very nice, friendly, good human being. Unfortunately, we had no chemistry. Mike's best friend and I on the other hand shared a bit too much chemistry and to add to the complexity of the situation, Mike still harbored feelings for me.
"You know what people do to each other?" he continued.
"What?" I listened attentively.
"They use each other to satisfy their senses. But one must control one's senses."
"Why should you control it? Don't you love me?" I asked, looking for my silver lining.
"I do not love you," he replied without hesitation.
"Then what was it you felt for me that night?" I had tears now in my eyes.
That night (mutually understood code word): It stood for the one night of intimacy that did not finally (for better or worse is debatable) end in sex.
References to that incident were made by both of us all too frequently as we grappled to come to terms with what it truly meant to us as individuals and what we meant also to each other.
"It was a mistake. My body just took over my mind." He was at least clear where he stood in this entire mess.
"How can you say that? Do you regret it?" I was grasping, now.
"Sometimes I do."
"But it was so amazing!" I exclaimed, still unbelieving.
"Good for you," he shrugged.
Good for you (phrase): Used frequently by him to undermine any enjoyment that he may have had in our relationship and to highlight his indifference to any suggestion that what we had may be even remotely special.
"So, what am I to you?" I asked him, hoping to hear anything other than the word 'friend'.
"A friend," he replied. He never gave 'right' answers.
"And you want us to just put all that we felt behind us?"
"It is better that way. We can be friends if we don't have this stuff between us."
"But you mean the world to me."
"I don't mean anything. I'm nobody. All this is just an illusion," he said, exasperated. Sometimes I wondered if he thought that I was on the rebound and didn't appreciate the idea.
Rebound (verb): To recover as from depression or disappointment. Just getting out of one relationship and into another often undermines the depth of the new relationship lest it have occurred only because the person was let down by the first one.
"Too bad you feel that way," I said trying to make light of a somewhat heavy situation. "I think you and I would've been great together."
"Don't tell me you still want to. What was it that I did to you anyway?"he seemed pleasantly surprised.
"Ah, the heart wants what it wants.there's no explaining these things.who was it who said that? Woody Allen, I think." I tried to sound cheerful now.
"Take some time...figure out what you want," he said gently.
"I know what I want," I replied, very sure of myself.
"What?" he queried, as if he didn't know.
"I want to have a relationship with you."
"What kind of relationship?" he asked, curious. "Sexual?"
"We can start with that," I said, winking.
"I just don't understand you," he said, waving the suggestion away.
"Do you think people fall in love first then have sex or have sex first and then fall in love?"
"I wish I knew." He was smiling now.
Love (noun - in this context): A feeling of intense desire or attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
We were stuck now in a deadlock, with me being completely sure that I was head over heels in love with him and he being equally sure that, though he felt something, it certainly wasn't love. Unfortunately, neither is there a clear definition, nor consistent symptoms and, hence, no conclusions either.
"Anyway," he said, continuing. "You lost your chance."
"I know. You sure opportunity isn't going to knock twice?"
"What would you do if it did?" he asked, a naughty smile emerging on his face.
"Keep a condom handy."
"What?" he asked, scandalized.
"That is all we need right? Just you, me and a condom." I was enjoying, myself now.
"You're crazy"
"So I've been told."
Crazy (adjective - informally in this context): Immoderately fond; infatuated. Intensely involved or preoccupied. Foolish or impractical.
He was right. At that moment, I was all of these and more.
"I've never met anyone like you," he shook his head in disbelief.
"Careful, you're on the verge of being nice to me," I teased him.
"You're messing with my mind."
"Nah. Just want you to give it a chance"
"It all just happened too fast." He was speaking softly now.
"Is there ever a perfect time?"
"I'm not ready. I can't say yes."
"As long as you don't say no."
"All this--"
"Maya?" I cut him off.
"Darn it, yes."
Maya (noun - Hinduism): The power of a god or demon to transform a concept into an element of the sensible world.
I don't know if I'm the God or the Demon in this context. I only know that he, me and a condom.it just sounds perfectly sensible to me.
************************************************************************************
Well, i don't know what your reaction to this was but I think the girl actually convinced me.
--
EclipsE >:-]
Monday, September 12, 2005
Of love, I speak
Love ....well, I won't even know where to begin from. Anyway, let's make an attampt at least. This one turned out to be a little long though.
I've always found love something really fascinating and interesting. As a matter of habbit I always try to analyze anything, everything, anyone and everone :) that interests me. My inputs in this regard, have particularly been the incidents and the phenomena (seems like the right word) that I have seen and also my personal experiences. Right from school, somehow my perception of love and relationships has always been very different from that of the people around me. Now, I don't know who was right and who was wrong but I've had my own beliefs, just like everyone else. In school, when people used to talk about being "senti" for a particular girl or guy, I found it hard to believe how someone could really think of things like that. I mean, we were just kids, we didn't have a direction, we didn't know where life would take us. Love just didn't seem right at that point of time. I knew some people who were supposedly "going around" (dunno where that term came from). I would look at them and feel that this isn't love. It is just an attraction... perhaps a part of growing up. This doesn't mean that I was never in the company of girls. In fact, I had many girl - friends (intentional -) in school. But I never felt that I could go ahead with someone for my entire life... I always thought that it was too quick to make a call like that. Overall by the end of school, my concept of love, still pretty different from the general public, was that of a platonic relationship. For me, friendship and love meant no difference. I thought I had the perfect explanation for the phenomena called love - Love is mutated form of friendship, where the feeling of togtherness is so strong that you could do anything for that friend of yours. Now with this idea, there was no difference between the two sexes. I could potentially love a guy as much as I would love a girl. I felt happy and satisfied having found the answer to the question which, even most adults fail to answer.
But there was a major flaw. Something I realised once i was in college. I had ignored the basic fact that girls and boys are not the same. You cannot "be" the same with boys and girls. Starting from the differences that nature has created, there are different behavioral patterns and perceptions, and of course, one cannot rule out the social factors. Overall, the "code of conduct" has to differ when you are with a boy or a girl. So, once again, I was dragged back to the same question - are love and friendship essentially the same thing??? I have always been a person with an open mind full of rebel ideas. Should I accept defeat at understanding love, or open my mind to things which the society wouldn't approve of. Anyway, I decided to win and so, came the policy of no discrimination. But what about the physical aspect of relationships??? Something that I had been totally ignoring in the name of platonic relationships. I had always drawn a line but with age, this line seemed to be getting thinner and thinner and I began to realize that there's nothing called platonic when it's between me and a girl. I had to make space for sexual behaviors too. I broadly classified people in two categories - Ones for whom love and sex and closely related and others, for whom love and sex and two different things, with me belonging to the second category. I put sex a level below food, water and air. You need it like everyone else does. So, why create so much fuss about it??? I had to be right, for I had the logic and the reasoning in my favour.
But then what about marriage??? As per what I believed, marriages made no sense at all. They looked like a simple social drama and infidelity seemed so correct and obvious. Once again I had to do some more thinking. Mom was really helpful with this one and in one of my debates with her, came the point of a sane social order. To preserve the social order, you need to have rules, rather laws. I accepted that. I think she's right. The social order should be preserved else we would be reduced to animals. I haven't been very appreciative of the society as such... for a man who believes in absolute freedom, in a world without rules, it is a little difficult to honour the social code. Well, with time I learned the need for the society and I'm fine with it now. But the basic question still remains - what is this love thing all about?
Then came a personal experience of having been involved in serious commitment once. When i was "in love", I was the strongest man on earth. I was invincible. I had the might to move the world the way i wanted. Had a simple mutation in a friendship with a girl given all that might to me??? I don't think so... I believe that, that power was always there in my mind. Love harnessed it just like we now harness the, once hidden, power of the atom. I know now, that it is a state of mind. Basically, the funda is straight... guys and girls generally love eachother and fitting in the social order, we do have to settle down with "the one" ...and well, if you have to get only one of the cookies, why not shoot for the one best suited for you. So, ultimately it is the satisfaction of choosing your own cookie. Everyone wants to be strong and the best way is to harness the power of the mind using love as the reactor. So, put is simple words, people fall in love because they want to. I can't help it, but whenever I meet a girl, my first thought is that is this my cookie :D. You can choose your feelings and decide when to take the leap of your life. I still go by my first thought that love is a mutated form of friendship where you are emotionally so close to the other person that your mind unleashes its ultimate power. Physical closeness might be a consequence but should not be mitaken for the cause. ...and talking about rules, well, there are no rules if there is no commitment and if there is a commitment, a man of honour would have respect for it. Marriage is an important social institution and it should not lose its sanctity. Just that people need to open up a little and accept and respect the pre-marital personal life of their partner for they've had their own.
There would be people who won't appreciate this attempt of mine because they want to believe in the supremacy of love. For them, trying to explore love in this manner is like challenging their religious faith. Well, ignorance is bliss. Love doesn't lack logic, it's we who want a way to rise above all reason and practicality. It's the deepest desire to do something big.
Talking personally, I don't think love is blind and i don't think there's anything like falling in love, though being in love feels like as if you've been knocked off the edge of high cliff. When it comes to deciding a yes or no for a girl, my eyes are not closed and I am absolutely concious. In fact, most of us are... though we might not like to believe it because we want to preserve love as something tender and soft. We want to believe that love has no practicality attached and is purely from the heart ...and of course, we want to enjoy that drop off the cliff with eyes closed but then the depth also matters. Sometimes, you'll fall through your life and sometimes might hit the ground much quicker and end up hurt and broken ...anyway, everyone falls the first time ;). So, look before you leap!!!
--
EclipsE
I've always found love something really fascinating and interesting. As a matter of habbit I always try to analyze anything, everything, anyone and everone :) that interests me. My inputs in this regard, have particularly been the incidents and the phenomena (seems like the right word) that I have seen and also my personal experiences. Right from school, somehow my perception of love and relationships has always been very different from that of the people around me. Now, I don't know who was right and who was wrong but I've had my own beliefs, just like everyone else. In school, when people used to talk about being "senti" for a particular girl or guy, I found it hard to believe how someone could really think of things like that. I mean, we were just kids, we didn't have a direction, we didn't know where life would take us. Love just didn't seem right at that point of time. I knew some people who were supposedly "going around" (dunno where that term came from). I would look at them and feel that this isn't love. It is just an attraction... perhaps a part of growing up. This doesn't mean that I was never in the company of girls. In fact, I had many girl - friends (intentional -) in school. But I never felt that I could go ahead with someone for my entire life... I always thought that it was too quick to make a call like that. Overall by the end of school, my concept of love, still pretty different from the general public, was that of a platonic relationship. For me, friendship and love meant no difference. I thought I had the perfect explanation for the phenomena called love - Love is mutated form of friendship, where the feeling of togtherness is so strong that you could do anything for that friend of yours. Now with this idea, there was no difference between the two sexes. I could potentially love a guy as much as I would love a girl. I felt happy and satisfied having found the answer to the question which, even most adults fail to answer.
But there was a major flaw. Something I realised once i was in college. I had ignored the basic fact that girls and boys are not the same. You cannot "be" the same with boys and girls. Starting from the differences that nature has created, there are different behavioral patterns and perceptions, and of course, one cannot rule out the social factors. Overall, the "code of conduct" has to differ when you are with a boy or a girl. So, once again, I was dragged back to the same question - are love and friendship essentially the same thing??? I have always been a person with an open mind full of rebel ideas. Should I accept defeat at understanding love, or open my mind to things which the society wouldn't approve of. Anyway, I decided to win and so, came the policy of no discrimination. But what about the physical aspect of relationships??? Something that I had been totally ignoring in the name of platonic relationships. I had always drawn a line but with age, this line seemed to be getting thinner and thinner and I began to realize that there's nothing called platonic when it's between me and a girl. I had to make space for sexual behaviors too. I broadly classified people in two categories - Ones for whom love and sex and closely related and others, for whom love and sex and two different things, with me belonging to the second category. I put sex a level below food, water and air. You need it like everyone else does. So, why create so much fuss about it??? I had to be right, for I had the logic and the reasoning in my favour.
But then what about marriage??? As per what I believed, marriages made no sense at all. They looked like a simple social drama and infidelity seemed so correct and obvious. Once again I had to do some more thinking. Mom was really helpful with this one and in one of my debates with her, came the point of a sane social order. To preserve the social order, you need to have rules, rather laws. I accepted that. I think she's right. The social order should be preserved else we would be reduced to animals. I haven't been very appreciative of the society as such... for a man who believes in absolute freedom, in a world without rules, it is a little difficult to honour the social code. Well, with time I learned the need for the society and I'm fine with it now. But the basic question still remains - what is this love thing all about?
Then came a personal experience of having been involved in serious commitment once. When i was "in love", I was the strongest man on earth. I was invincible. I had the might to move the world the way i wanted. Had a simple mutation in a friendship with a girl given all that might to me??? I don't think so... I believe that, that power was always there in my mind. Love harnessed it just like we now harness the, once hidden, power of the atom. I know now, that it is a state of mind. Basically, the funda is straight... guys and girls generally love eachother and fitting in the social order, we do have to settle down with "the one" ...and well, if you have to get only one of the cookies, why not shoot for the one best suited for you. So, ultimately it is the satisfaction of choosing your own cookie. Everyone wants to be strong and the best way is to harness the power of the mind using love as the reactor. So, put is simple words, people fall in love because they want to. I can't help it, but whenever I meet a girl, my first thought is that is this my cookie :D. You can choose your feelings and decide when to take the leap of your life. I still go by my first thought that love is a mutated form of friendship where you are emotionally so close to the other person that your mind unleashes its ultimate power. Physical closeness might be a consequence but should not be mitaken for the cause. ...and talking about rules, well, there are no rules if there is no commitment and if there is a commitment, a man of honour would have respect for it. Marriage is an important social institution and it should not lose its sanctity. Just that people need to open up a little and accept and respect the pre-marital personal life of their partner for they've had their own.
There would be people who won't appreciate this attempt of mine because they want to believe in the supremacy of love. For them, trying to explore love in this manner is like challenging their religious faith. Well, ignorance is bliss. Love doesn't lack logic, it's we who want a way to rise above all reason and practicality. It's the deepest desire to do something big.
Talking personally, I don't think love is blind and i don't think there's anything like falling in love, though being in love feels like as if you've been knocked off the edge of high cliff. When it comes to deciding a yes or no for a girl, my eyes are not closed and I am absolutely concious. In fact, most of us are... though we might not like to believe it because we want to preserve love as something tender and soft. We want to believe that love has no practicality attached and is purely from the heart ...and of course, we want to enjoy that drop off the cliff with eyes closed but then the depth also matters. Sometimes, you'll fall through your life and sometimes might hit the ground much quicker and end up hurt and broken ...anyway, everyone falls the first time ;). So, look before you leap!!!
--
EclipsE
Game Over
Okay, finished FarCry. My previous post describes the game. In this one, i'd just say that I simply loved it.
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Sunday, September 11, 2005
Review: FarCry
They say, computer games have come a long way, that they have evolved. But after playing FarCry, that sounds like an absolute understatement. You have to play it to believe it. I happened to have got a free copy along with my graphics card and kinda ignored it till recently with the typical view that "muft mein koi dhang ki cheez nahiin milti". Anyway, few days back, I just decided to ckeck it out and was simply amazed!!! I thought i would write this review after completing the entire game, but its quality has forced me to write about it while I still have a level to go before it's done.
Coming to the game, i have been taken aback by the spell binding graphics this one has. Huge (believe me, HUGE) environments have been rendered with near perfection quality. From now on it's gonna get a little techy. The particle systems used to render the tree and grass are like never before. This game is a treat for the eyes. You get a feel that you're right there. I haven't such water being rendered with such amazing quality. You actually get to see the reflection of the world in water with the blending of textures used for the waterbed. There are gigantic levels where the polygon count would be insane. The only way to do this is to code an outstanding algorithm for distance and backface culing and line of view based culling ...and then further improvise on it. This one is easily the best rendering engne I've ever seen. The shaders in the game are outstanding.
Coming to the gameplay, the physics of the game matches current standards. You can't just walk in with a gun and win the game in a "bam bam" style. You have to apply logic and strategy to take out the key posts particularly the recketeers and the snipers. Slow and steady is the policy of the game. For the save-load kind of gamers, there's a bad news... there is no quick save or load in the game. It automatically saves after a logical checkpoint.
Finally, I would say that it is one game that every gamer should play ...it'll be an experience. For the people interesting in graphics related technology, it's an inspiration. There is so much to learn from it. Its existence proves that very soon, real time convincing graphics will be for real!!!
--
EclipsE
Coming to the game, i have been taken aback by the spell binding graphics this one has. Huge (believe me, HUGE) environments have been rendered with near perfection quality. From now on it's gonna get a little techy. The particle systems used to render the tree and grass are like never before. This game is a treat for the eyes. You get a feel that you're right there. I haven't such water being rendered with such amazing quality. You actually get to see the reflection of the world in water with the blending of textures used for the waterbed. There are gigantic levels where the polygon count would be insane. The only way to do this is to code an outstanding algorithm for distance and backface culing and line of view based culling ...and then further improvise on it. This one is easily the best rendering engne I've ever seen. The shaders in the game are outstanding.
Coming to the gameplay, the physics of the game matches current standards. You can't just walk in with a gun and win the game in a "bam bam" style. You have to apply logic and strategy to take out the key posts particularly the recketeers and the snipers. Slow and steady is the policy of the game. For the save-load kind of gamers, there's a bad news... there is no quick save or load in the game. It automatically saves after a logical checkpoint.
Finally, I would say that it is one game that every gamer should play ...it'll be an experience. For the people interesting in graphics related technology, it's an inspiration. There is so much to learn from it. Its existence proves that very soon, real time convincing graphics will be for real!!!
--
EclipsE
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Where do I begin???
Hmm, so where do I begin?? ...it's been a day over 8 months since my last post here and i have, finally, decided to end the hibernation and turn the wheel here. Last 8 months have been a period of change ...and it's been a good time i must say. I've had a blast all this time... a real good working life i must say - 5 days of good work and another 2 days to settle the score when it comes to having fun. The balance has pretty much been there. Looking back at this period of time, there are a few things that i am reminded of -
1. Ryzerabad
I have seen hyderabad turn into Ryzerabad, thanks to this awesome online (and now offline too) community called ryze (www.ryze.com). The basic idea is simple, just get registered on the site, join the hyderabad network (http://hyd-network.ryze.com) and land up at any of the meetings, which happen pretty often. Ryze has the credit for making weekends happening for a lot of people ...people like me who have come to this city from other places and have practically no local group. We've watched loads of movies together, been to pubs, readmeets, ghazal sessions and a lot of other things. My page on ryze can be seen at http://www.ryze.com/go/DarkDevil
2. Rajmachi
This was one trek I can never, ever, forget. The dates were 1st to 4th July ...which means rains in the region were at their worst (or best, however you may put it). Rajmachi is a fort in the hills of the western-ghats, between Karjat and Lonavala. The plan was to get down at Karjat and trek from there to Lonavala over the next 2 days. It's been sometime, so, i don't have the enthu of writing a complete travel log. Still, all I would say is that it was the worst time to go there as the treks were pretty slippery and dangerous ...but at the same time it was the best time to go there as that place would never have been more beautiful. There was greenary everywhere, and of course, water water everywhere. The worst imagined rainfalls were happening every 15 minutes and the Ullhas River in the valley was flooded. Against all odds we made the trip successfully getting to see Kondana Caves and Rajmachi Fort, which was a tough trek through really steep hills and valleys ...and the beautiful and untouched region between Rajmachi and Lonavala, which was almost a 17 Km trek. Overall, this was one awesome experience and I would recommend everyone to try this once ...in the worst & best time!!!
3. My Monster
It had been almost a year since my gaming insticts had been on the backfoot. The major cause was my machine that wouldn't support any of the new games around. Anyway, my bro happened to take that thing to his college ...good enough for his "Educational Purposes" >:). So, I bought my new Monster couple of weeks back. This time it's an Athelon 64 bit 1.8 geegz processor with 1 geegz RAM. Got an MSI, NForce M/B with SLI. The real pleasure is the graphics card, which happens to be an XFX GeForce 6600 GT - supports dual monitors and TV. As of now, this thing runs any damn game around. I just finished with HalfLife-2 and Doom-3 and Farcry are on the list. There are also some movies that i got from IIIT, that are awaiting my attention. Overall, my monster that happens to be called "Nocturno", is doing pretty well.
Well then, this post is just a warmup excercise coz i haven't been writing all this while, but from now on, I shall try to be a bit more regular with this. So, all you readers, have awesome fun!!!
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EclipsE
1. Ryzerabad
I have seen hyderabad turn into Ryzerabad, thanks to this awesome online (and now offline too) community called ryze (www.ryze.com). The basic idea is simple, just get registered on the site, join the hyderabad network (http://hyd-network.ryze.com) and land up at any of the meetings, which happen pretty often. Ryze has the credit for making weekends happening for a lot of people ...people like me who have come to this city from other places and have practically no local group. We've watched loads of movies together, been to pubs, readmeets, ghazal sessions and a lot of other things. My page on ryze can be seen at http://www.ryze.com/go/DarkDevil
2. Rajmachi
This was one trek I can never, ever, forget. The dates were 1st to 4th July ...which means rains in the region were at their worst (or best, however you may put it). Rajmachi is a fort in the hills of the western-ghats, between Karjat and Lonavala. The plan was to get down at Karjat and trek from there to Lonavala over the next 2 days. It's been sometime, so, i don't have the enthu of writing a complete travel log. Still, all I would say is that it was the worst time to go there as the treks were pretty slippery and dangerous ...but at the same time it was the best time to go there as that place would never have been more beautiful. There was greenary everywhere, and of course, water water everywhere. The worst imagined rainfalls were happening every 15 minutes and the Ullhas River in the valley was flooded. Against all odds we made the trip successfully getting to see Kondana Caves and Rajmachi Fort, which was a tough trek through really steep hills and valleys ...and the beautiful and untouched region between Rajmachi and Lonavala, which was almost a 17 Km trek. Overall, this was one awesome experience and I would recommend everyone to try this once ...in the worst & best time!!!
3. My Monster
It had been almost a year since my gaming insticts had been on the backfoot. The major cause was my machine that wouldn't support any of the new games around. Anyway, my bro happened to take that thing to his college ...good enough for his "Educational Purposes" >:). So, I bought my new Monster couple of weeks back. This time it's an Athelon 64 bit 1.8 geegz processor with 1 geegz RAM. Got an MSI, NForce M/B with SLI. The real pleasure is the graphics card, which happens to be an XFX GeForce 6600 GT - supports dual monitors and TV. As of now, this thing runs any damn game around. I just finished with HalfLife-2 and Doom-3 and Farcry are on the list. There are also some movies that i got from IIIT, that are awaiting my attention. Overall, my monster that happens to be called "Nocturno", is doing pretty well.
Well then, this post is just a warmup excercise coz i haven't been writing all this while, but from now on, I shall try to be a bit more regular with this. So, all you readers, have awesome fun!!!
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EclipsE
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